A Definitive Ranking of Netflix's Fireplaces

Or My Attempt to Find Joy in Grading Finals

My holiday season started with grading 93 finals in about four days. While I have done this before, it is a real pain. Reading the same version of an essay 93 times gets tedious. Which of these two essays is better? Which argument is most effective? As I said, very tedious. This seasonal predicament gave me plenty of time to enjoy the Yuletide decorations at my parents’ house and search for more festive joy in the only place I could think of: Netflix.

Generally, people looking for Holiday cheer would gravitate more towards the traditional holiday movie focused on romance, Santa, or a neglected child forced to defend their family home at all costs without regard for their well-being. But I think there’s an underrated genre of holiday film that people don’t give enough credit to: the hour-long loop of a fireplace.

Hear me out. We all know Hallmark movies recycle the same plot over and over again, yet people still watch them every year. There’s a cult following around Christmas movies, and this year, I want people to shift their focus from the cheesy Christmas cheer crap to what actually matters. Let’s jump into my countdown of the best fireplace videos on Netflix!

6: Squid Games Fireplace

First of all, what the actual fuck. Who wanted this? How is this festive? HOW DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHOW IS A CRITIQUE OF POVERTY, DESPERATION, SOCIETAL INEQUITY, AND CAPITALISM??? Finally, absolutely not.

5: White Christmas

Honestly, I only watched this one to include it in this review. The overwhelming sterility of the scenery reminds me of Christmas at my grandparents’ house (Dad’s side), where the concern was less on family and joy and more on maintaining an aesthetic that makes the house look like a museum. So-called “sad beige parenting” would love this fireplace, but as a maximalist yearning for the coziness of Christmas past, I hated this. Sure, it’s aesthetic and probably makes a lot of people happy, but it didn’t make me happy, and I was already unhappy from grading, so, next!

4: Mid-Century Modern

I debated for a while where to put this one on my ranking. The holiday festiveness is understated, with only a few lights, garlands, and modern paper Christmas trees, indicating any seasonal association. The orange fireplace is my favorite part because it isn’t something I’ve seen frequently. The cackling is understated and doesn’t give a cozy, warm vibe, but it still has a nice background. My struggle with ranking this one is that while it is cozy, it wasn’t one that I kept going back to. I would put it on when reminded that it existed, but I wouldn’t actively seek it out. Personally, this might be my January fireplace. When no longer seeking any holiday cheer and strictly looking to forget how dreary and miserable it is, the escapism is there, but for the holiday season, it just isn’t doing it for me.

3: Classic Fireplace

An oldie but a goodie! George Ford’s original venture into the world of televised, on-demand fireplaces. If you’re looking for a basic fireplace with a good amount of crackling that isn’t too overpowering, it’s a great option. The scenery is bright enough to watch the wood burn initially, which was my favorite part, and moody enough for any occasion. The fireplace is already raging as the scene opens, but there is a noticeable and subtle shift towards the end as the flames die out and the fire shrinks to just the center of the fireplace. Between cackles, light thuds of wood pieces falling off, and the tiny embers flickering off makes for an immersive experience. The fade to black with the fire just barely there is so pretty, and the storyline reminds me of how a holiday party starts at full force but slowly dies down to just a few people, and then almost as quickly as it started, the whole event is over.

2: Rustic Cabin

While I’m not a fan of camping, the idea of staying in a warm cabin with running water and plenty of food to decompress from the stress of life sounds lovely. This one truly embraced the coziness and feeling of being elsewhere I deeply desired. I could see my family and I sitting in that room, reading and enjoying each other’s company. It made me crave hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream while snuggled into a blanket for a long winter. The garland over the fireplace is festive, while the moody interior brings a perfect coziness. Little indicates that it has holiday affiliations, but for my imagination, it fills into an image of snowing outside, and we’re stuck in a cabin vibe. All in all an excellent fireplace for pretending to be elsewhere.

1: Birchwood

Finally, the Birchwood fireplace ranks as my favorite amongst its peers. Honestly, the more I watched it, the more I understood how it was truly emblematic of the human experience. George Ford starts with the fireplace being lit, bringing us into the early days of the fire and the humble beginnings from which it came, where the flames creep from the left side to the right, eventually taking over all of the birchwood. Unlike the original fireplace, this one has more cackling. Instead of starting us off with the flames nice and bright but fading over time, we start with the flames being lit, eventually leading to them flickering away. I find this fireplace to be much more cozy as the coloring is less of a bright yellow and more of an orange. In my state of intense grading, I started philosophizing over how this fireplace represents the human experience through birth, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and death. The fire builds and builds through the beginning, settles, and then splits (having children), only to inevitably die out with a whimper. In all of us, our fires burn until they can no longer, and maybe on a cold winter’s night, that’s all that matters.

Honorable Mention: Max’s themed fireplaces. I appreciated being taken into different worlds, but they weren’t as long as Netflix’s, so I won’t review them fully. Seriously, only 30 some minutes? What a rip-off!!! But the accompanying music can be particularly delightful depending on one’s mood, so bonus points for that.

So, if you're celebrating, I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season. If not, I hope the next few weeks are enjoyable to whatever extent you can enjoy them. Happy Holidays!